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Follower of Jesus. Aspiring Nurse. YouTuber (lol). Blogger (lol). America's Best Shower singer. Ex-Religious. Ex-churchgirl. Ex-Pharisee.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Noncommittal...yet committed to the search.

So. I realize. I don't like committing. I mean, seriously, outside of my committment to Jesus everything and I mean, everything is up for grabs. It just is....(Not to mention just being faithful to the commitment of following Jesus is not a breeze.)

...but what am I getting at...
I made a major move (in my opinion) from the place I came to know as my 2nd home (Gainesville, Florida) by returning back to my hometown -- Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. This shift was emotionally hard and, yet spiritually, good for me. Gainesville fed me so much: Love, affirmation, discipleship, vision, knowledge, awareness, friendships, leadership, service, growth, community, etc. I mean, I can't express how much I grew in Gainesville to come to know God, His dreams, his agenda, His heart, and His people.
I absolutely loved it up there.

In my heart, I'm still "committed" to my spiritual family up there. What's odd is that I'm down in South Florida, however, and walking out my "commitment" is ....well, weird....no, better yet, just different.

Down here, I've tried a couple of different churches. For the first year of moving back to South Florida, I lived in Palm Beach county (which is not my hometown) and tried some different churches. In some ways, "church shopping" is kind of fun. Its like attending a spiritual museum for several weeks/months and remarking at the differences/commonalities/likes/dislikes. It gets old really quickly esp, for someone like me who desires to jump in the game and not just be a pew-warmer. Next, my family moved to Broward County (Ft. Lauderdale = hometownish area) and the desire for even going back to a conventional Sunday morning "church" experience just was not in my heart. Just not. Like nowhere to be found.

But then through many unutterable groanings, prayers, prinkings, I realized that I most likely am not the 'type' to be efficacious by not attending a regular, typical church service on sunday morning. (Can I just say tho, I really don't like awkward, scripted, predictable, un-deep, "where's the Holy Spirit?" church services. Like if I'm broaching questions like "do these people even "like" Jesus?" while attending a church. I am supremely bothered.) So I and Jesus decided that, though I may not receive anything from a traditional church service, I can give and pour out and/or facilitate growth, depth, and community with what God is already doing in a particular group of people whose intentions are to serve Jesus. :)

So what about the whole commitment thing?
Yes, well that's the thing. I find that while my heart is so knitted to my spiritual family in Gainesville, its really difficult for me to committed to any other "formalized" church ministry. And even moreso, I foresee myself not being long-term committed to any church-body for a long time. Why? I'm not entirely self-aware but like I said in the beginning. I don't take to "committing" so easily anymore. (2) I really am interested (after achieving financial independence again) in traveling (not for sheer personal pleasure) but as a form of insightful touring of different noteworthy ministries and communities of God's people that are making effective headway in either youth/young adult discipleship, strengthening the poor, restoring victims of human trafficking, and evangelizing to the unwanted members of society (like porn stars, strippers, etc.) [Much respect to Craig Gross and Triple X church ministries]. Imma just be real and say I would like to straight up TOUR different expressions of God's "church" shining brightly. So serious. Like to actually make it a goal over a 1 to 3 year period to visit the people who are making serious kingdom advances in areas of darkness, in areas where the church has been a coward, or just in areas where Jesus totally said to go and do...

Well what does that have to do with commitment?
The way the thought came into my mind sort of went something like this: "Mann, I just can't be committed to a regular church attendance-type of loyalty....cuz Imma need to be traveling and visiting different ministries to see what God is up to."
Something like that. I guess you could say that I won't be basing my commitment on my presence at a "church."
I feel as though part of my calling is to help carry out somethings (not grandiose and super gargantuan amazing) that are simple, necessary, bold, and cutting edge. Now I use that phrase "cutting edge" loosely... I believe Jesus was "cutting edge" with the way he rolled. So I want to follow his leading....but the more I'm exposed to conventional church circles the more I grow tired of seeing the same ol' same ol'.... And I realize I can't commit to that construct. There's something I else I must do.

Anyways, I know what I've written is pretty vague. Perhaps even nonsensical at points. But it makes perfect sense to me.
I'm just not big on commitments. I.e. memberships. promises. etc.
I wonder if this translates into hesitancy in a future relationship. God is wise and will guide for sure though.

I think the foreshadowing of all this rambling is this: When I commit, one would know that I've found something worth more than precious jewels. That I'm in it for the long haul. And that my commitment isn't at all flippant.

In flames...

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